[...] you let go of your perceptions and allow someone else to tell you how it is and tell you who you are, you are losing your own precious truth and you are not in [...]

My point was not that they think bad about themselves in general, it’s a matter of self-esteem in regard to their thinking their words don’t carry weight.
Michael´s last blog ..Lightworker/Darkworker – Bullshit

This reminds me so much of my own mother! For example she’d make mean comments about my overweight and how ugly it is or how it would drive all men away… and then come up with “I’m just joking!”. II told her that her comments weren’t helpful, she replied “I’m just being honest. Do you want me to lie?”.

In the name of free speech or honesty, people can say very mean things.

Based on my experience I find it more efficient NOT to point out that their beliefs aren’t accurate, or to cite examples of how we are not what they think we are. If you justify, explain, or argument against what they said, if you even react to it in the first place, it means that on *some level* you think they could be right.

Imagine someone telling you that your blue hair is ugly, and you know you have no blue hair. You would just raise your eyebrows and think they are weird. Why would you need to explain that blue hair is not ugly, or to cite examples of all the times when you had no blue hair, if you know for sure your hair is not blue?

It’s the same with being lazy etc. If we feel the need to defend ourselves, then it’s because there is some truth in it, or at least we believe that. What others say can only hurt us if on some level, it resonates with something that we think about ourselves.

So instead of factually replying to my mom’s comments, now I prefer to use some verbal self-defense techniques and to not justify, demonstrate or explain anything. I don’t know if it’s the right way of dealing with it, but it makes me feel much better.

@Michael: But nobody’s ever really just kidding. If deep down they didn’t think it, they would not even have the idea of saying it in the first place! Nevertheless, I agree with you that it’s a lot about low self-esteem. Why would someone think bad of others if they didn’t think bad of themselves to begin with?
Rose´s last blog ..Anti-Manipulation Techniques

From the offender’s side: often, one says diminishing things because at core you don’t feel that your words have any effect on people…that it’s OK to joke or “bust balls” or criticize because surely the other person knows that you’re marginally important to them and that you don’t really know what you’re talking about.

So, besides all the mumbo about finding your own faults in others, much damage can be attributed to low self-esteem and lack of empowerment on the part of the offending party. This is especially true for parents and others close to you, and the best defense is to make sure they know how much their opinion means to you – next time they’ll think twice, and you won’t need to go around with your fingers in your ears…lalalalalalalalalalala!
Michael´s last blog ..Lightworker/Darkworker – Bullshit

[...] Don’t Let Others Tell You Who You Are [...]

Oh yes, the micro-managing! That’s the word!

Anyway I think you’re right, the best thing would be to politely just explain that I don’t like it and how it makes me feel. I’ll try to remember that when the time is right!

Recently my mother said that her children are lazy.
I pointed out where I’ve actually been quite industrious.

She said she was only joking, I said her jokes were hurtful, she said I was being “defensive”, I said I was merely pointing out where she had been OFFensive–

and THEN she agreed. She would proudly continue being offensive, in the spirit of free speech.

Fortunately, I’ve exorcised quite a few negative thoughtforms, and have developed enough to negate unwanted energies as they come, but as for person-to-person dynamic… Any other way to deal with this?

Hi David,

Ahh the micro-managing. I don’t like it when people say things to me like ‘have you got X, Y and Z?’ Don’t forget this, get going you’ll be late, etc etc. I feel like I’m five years old again.

My mum does that a lot and I just said to her in a non-nasty way that I don’t like being micromanaged. We laughed about it and she does it less now. I think it’s OK to gently express to people that you are not keen on the way they express their love, especially if it’s something that actively annoys you.

Yeah, I like the 24 hour clock. Although they use that in France and I was even more confused over there by time. Had to keep doing calculations.

Thanks for your input. That is sad about your mum, it’s good that you know where it comes from though.

You’re right on in your observation, I think my mum does use that perception to encourage me to be productive where she thinks I might be slacking off. But that’s more likely to de-motivate me then motivate me. That used to be the case at University as well, I found that when my tutors gave me negative feedback to motivate me, it’d have the opposite effect! Whereas when I positive input, I feel really encouraged!

Hi Bunny – thanks!

Re. your ex-hubby. It’s good that that input is not in your life anymore!

Hi Cheryl,
Thank you for your friend add on Twitter! Nice to ‘meet’ you on here and hear about your experiences with this.

That is a really good point that sometimes we can be the ones who say the hurtful things to OURSELVES! A lot of people have that mean and critical voice in the background making them feel unworthy, etc. The interesting thing I found about that input is that it tends to fade when you remove the external voices that support it.

I’m glad it’s not just me who does things like with the am and pm!

I tell myself it’s because my mind is so obviously on higher things lol

Hi Jen,

I know – it was easy for my mum to just focus on the idea of me being organized and then see the truth of it. I always think you can see the truth of anything if you focus on it enough! Thanks for your comment.