In the last ten years, I have had a series of relationships with men, some of those relationships were amazing and healing and fun.  A few of them were dark and taught me the importance of finding and speaking my truth and having a strong inner centre.

So, even though I feel inspired to write this blog post, it’s ironic that I write this because I am no expert at relationships and how to maintain a wonderful long-term one.  I am not going to beat myself up over that as I know that relationships, like all things, are a reflection of our inner being and seeing as ages 16-25 does not tend to be a committed or solid phase of life (at least it wasn’t in my life – it was full of change, turmoil and transitions) it was natural that my relationships reflected that.

I will relate to you a couple of lessons that I have learned in the last ten years in my relationships.  Maybe if you’re in the same phase of life as me you will relate to some of them and if you’re ahead of me, they will seem like old and buried lessons to you and wisdom you’ve long since integrated.

At the end of this article, I will talk more about the advice that Spirit has passed on in my readings this week about how to become a better vibrational match for a partner if you’re single and will link in some of what I’ve learned along the way.

Here’s a potted history of my life lessons so far in the area of relationships.

The Older Guy

One of the scariest experiences I ever had in a relationship was an experience where I abandoned my own intuition and ignored my perceptions in a short-lived relationship with a guy who was much older than me.  In some ways, I know what it feels like to empty your head and join a cult because that was how it felt to be in a relationship with this person.  This person was someone who redefined everything about my life and told me how things were.  He told me constantly that my perceptions were wrong.  I allowed myself to be manipulated a lot as he presented his perceptions as clearer and more truthful than mine.

Lesson learned: that your perceptions are a gift, essential to your intuition and ALWAYS valid.  They give you a solid sense of self.

You know those times when you’ve sought confirmation in psychic readings of what you already know – you didn’t need that confirmation, did you?  You were right on.  In fact, you know more than anyone, when it comes to you and your stuff.

(Incidentally, this lesson was one of the most powerful lessons that I could have learned to prepare myself for my career as an intuitive – it really strengthened my third eye and my intuition.)

If you let go of your perceptions and allow someone else to tell you how it is and tell you who you are, you are losing your own precious truth and you are not in integrity.

Perceiving what you do, trusting in your perceptions and voicing them confidently (even if others don’t agree with them) builds your inner core, which is essential for a relationship that is not going to make your heart (or your third eye) bleed.

The ‘Let-me-abuse-you-because-you-need-it’ guy

At one point, I had a relationship with a dark and brooding Scorpio type. Seeing as I love(d) dark and brooding Scorpio types (especially ones with those intense Scorpio eyes) I couldn’t resist him.  But our relationship became abusive after a while.

One of the reasons why I stayed with him for the time that I did was because he was my mentor, helped me with my business and when I first moved to London – scared shitless – he put me up.  He told me that in order to learn to overcome my pride, I needed to learn to accept abuse.

I actually put up with it for a while because I believed I needed his help more than I needed to feel safe and valued.  His help translated to financial help and mentoring that I believed I needed in order to succeed.

In the end, I presented him with an ultimatem:  stop abusing me or I will not see you again.

He couldn’t resist treating me badly.  I didn’t see him again.

Lesson learned: If you are putting up with abuse because you think you are getting something out of it, then the other person isn’t hurting you – you are, and it takes a lot to recover from that because it represents a betrayal of the self.

Other lesson learned: No-one can actually give you anything.  You create everything in your life.  You are the source for you.  So, if you’re making a pact with someone that compromises your integrity and makes you feel uncomfortable, then you’re shooting yourself in the foot.  That is because everything you create around you is created through you – not through anyone else.  Your world is a reflection of your inner being.  You effect change from the inside out.

Even though this guy helped me a lot with my business, I really got momentum going when we split up and I struck out on my own.

Bottom line with this is: you manifest the people around you too, so don’t give your power away to the relationships or the people in your life.  You hold the power to create new ones and create something different.

The ‘two unskilled empaths together = codependency’ relationship

This relationship was with an amazing person that I’m still friends with.

In this relationship, I learned what happens when the two of you sort of merge in a codependent way – when your dreams and goals sort of merge.  When your needs merge.  Is that what ‘losing yourself’ feels like?  You know that feeling where there is not much space or room to move in a relationship, emotionally, when you’re always with one another and so you begin to retreat in a panicky sort of way because two empaths tend to become one entity, looking out for one another in a ‘I feel your every feeling’ kind of way, constantly feeling like they need to fix and help one another.  Empaths, you know what I’m referring to.  The rest of you will just think that’s weird.  We both learned a lot from this relationship.

Lesson learned: there needs to be space in a relationship, as well as intimacy.

Also, you have to look after yourself first, and don’t expect someone else to put you first or fulfil your needs (especially when you haven’t voiced them) because you know what you need better than anyone.

Other lessons learned:

Don’t ask boys out.  It scares them off

How to Become a Vibrational Match for the Relationship You Want

I integrated so many of these lessons over the last few months and noted that most of my relationships had been with commitment-phobic people in the past.

I decided to embark on a ritual where I commit to myself, as I wanted to see more commitment and stability in myself and in future relationships and in order to get there, I realized I needed to create that state in me.

I committed to the following:

Love – loving myself no matter what.

Finances – being responsible with my money and financial decisions; not spending more than I have.

Self-care and nurture – keeping health commitments; taking time out when I’m tired.

Accepting myself – acknowledging that I’m not here to adhere to anyone’s standard of ‘perfect’.

Having a Life – cultivating work/life balance – a big one for me as I do love my work.

Encouragement – not allowing my inner voice to turn negative and squash my good intentions or dreams.

Trust – keeping my commitments and promises to myself.  Following through on my word.

I also added:

Commitment to my own truth and commitment to voice my perceptions, even if other people aren’t going to like it.

Commitment to my own power – remembering that all things in my life are manifested from me – and that hooking into a partner as a source of abundance or power creates misery.

Commitment to my own needs and space – remembering that some space in my life and in my relationships serves me.

These are just my commitments so depending on your nature you might not resonate with them.

I actually came across a ritual in a book where you buy red roses and toss them into the ocean to symbolize your commitment to yourself.  I felt like a massive numpty going into the florist’s shop and asking for nine red roses, knowing I was going to toss them into the ocean.

Luckily when I drove to the beach (The aptly named ‘Monkey Bay’), it turned out I was all alone to toss my roses into the ocean – one for each commitment.

My dramatic gesture of tossing the rose into the ocean backfired when the tide came in and left my roses on the sand.  I kept having to toss them back in.

The interesting thing about doing this commitment ritual a few months ago is that I noticed how I followed through on my word and promises to myself much more.  My self-care began to deepen; I somehow became more serious and responsible in my relationship with MYSELF.

What you can take out of this:

If you’re in a relationship that you want to improve…

What do you want to see more of in your relationship? – more trust, acceptance or space?  Can you commit to creating more of that in/for yourself?  After all, that is how you will see more of it in your relationship.  If you wanted, you could even create a dramatic ritual where you toss something symbolic into the ocean and hope your sacred ritual isn’t ruined by the uncooperative Pacific ocean.

If you’re not in a relationship but want to create a good one, why not make some commitments to yourself? What were the lessons you learned from past relationships?  How can you integrate them and honour them for future relationships?

Did any of my lessons learned speak to you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this – one of my favourite topics.

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