Are Events from the Past Zapping your Power?
At the end of last week, I got the flu. It started out as a little cold and got worse. I haven’t been this sick in a long time. With the physical detox that happens with getting the flu, I also have an emotional detox going on.
The emotions that are coming up are helplessness, self-pity and anger. I’m finding myself crying lots of tears of self-pity.
Normally I am a fairly upbeat person.
Where are these feelings coming from? They are coming partly from an old story that I tell myself from time to time, that I’m learning to let go of.
My parents shouldn’t have left me. When I was 19, my whole family (except my older brother) left for New Zealand. They all stayed there and got residency. I had a bone illness when I was three. In order to get residency with my family, I would have had to have visited a specialist in London for a check-up and it would have taken a long time. My mother needed to get residency before the age of 45, otherwise it would have been impossible to (due to a points system where you are awarded points for being under 45). So I was left behind out of necessity. Because my older brother is still in the UK, I don’t have the right to live in New Zealand, even though I want to, as all immediate family members have to be in New Zealand for me to be entitled to residency. I grew up in a family of seven and was used to having people around all the time. So being away from my family has been hard at times, especially seeing as it wasn’t a choice I made myself.
Since then, often when I’ve felt bad about something and needed an excuse to continue feeling bad, that has been my reason.
I feel bad because I’m isolated from my family. I feel bad because they shouldn’t have left me. I feel bad because I don’t have the money to see them for another year. I feel bad because I’ll have to train in a profession I don’t want to work in, and then get a job in order to get residency.
What are your reasons for feeling bad?
To the extent that you believe someone should be something other than what they are or do something other than what they’re doing, you’re using that as an excuse to feel bad when you don’t have to.
To the extent that you believe that a nasty hand that life dealt you from the past SHOULD NOT have happened, you’re robbing yourself of your power to create what you do want in the now.
I know that there are benefits to me not having residency, otherwise it wouldn’t be happening. What looks like a problem is an opportunity for something!
I’m looking forward to finding out what and then letting you know.
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*Hugs* Best of luck, Anna.
Dear Anna,
your family had to leave you behind or you would never have been free of those limiting beliefs that they indoctrinated you with. Sometimes those beliefs crop up again and you wish you were back in that nest where it was rewarded to adhere to them, back in your safety zone. But truly it is better not to be there, even if it is very painful to have to make mistakes based on that past conditioning. You are courageous and beautiful as the ordure of the past burns out of your spirit.
Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again
You know I only say it ’cause I’m truly genuine
Don’t be a hardrock when you’re really a gem
Babygirl, respect is just a minimum
Niggas f***ed up and you still defending them
Now Lauryn is only human
Don’t think I haven’t been through the same predicament
You might want to use your timeline on this and get a new perspective. Float up above your timeline, float back so that you are above the event looking down on it, GET THE LEARNINGS, then float back so that you are BEFORE the event, and looking down on it, and ask yourself, “now where are the emotions? are they gone, or are they still there?” If they’re still there, float back higher and further back until they’re just gone now. Float down inside the event to check. Float back up to the before position, and come back over your timeline, getting the learnings from and letting go of any incident of that emotion all the way back to Now.
Is it interesting that you got sick when you decided to “leave”? Kind of a coincidence, huh?
Pretty rough story, Anna. Surely major enough to, as you say, have been planned as a learning experience.
You’ve read Tolle…it is what it is and the emotions are just pointers, they’re not you. Hope you’re feeling better.
Thanks, Zora
Malian – On the positive side, I’m sure I did benefit from time away so I could gain more independence. I’m not sure I was indoctrinated though, I’d call it more a process of osmosis.
Angela – Thanks for this, I will. You know what occurred to me last night when I posted this? The reason why I didn’t get residency in the end was because of the bone disease I had when I was little, called “Perthes Disease”. I read a long time ago that it’s called Perthes disease because there were many cases in Australia (Perth). Which is where I’m going soon, instead of staying here in NZ to try to get residency.
Michael – Thanks!
osmosis being less overt than indoctrination…nonetheless…still “It is often distinguished from education by the fact that the indoctrinated person is expected not to question or critically examine the doctrine they have learned”…wikipedia.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sometimes I feel the same way about things I don’t like about my past, but you are so right there has to be a reason for them, I am sure of that. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone & that we all have our struggles from time to time.
I guess we all have our “pain” from the past. Mine’s growing up in an alcoholic, abusive family that had a very limited mindset, especially around money. I do get down and wish I was born into another family, one that had money and never wanted for anything. I’ve been feeling not-so-great lately and trying to “shake” the icky feelings. I guess there are reasons for me being born into my family. Thanks for sharing your story, it helps to know that I’m not alone.
I love that idea Anna, needing an excuse to feel bad. I like that. Its almost like a part of us wants to let out some pain so we look to a part of our story to do that.
Another perspective to consider is soemthing I learned when I watched “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and it helped me immensely. When one is chronically down and depressed, that becomes one’s comfort zone and you’ll tend to remain there, yes. But also, emotions are associated with hormones and other chemical compounds produced by our bodies.
By extremely close and acute self-observation, I discovered that the bad feelings came first, just a nanosecond before my mind came up with an excuse to feel bad. Once I came to the conclusion that I was dependent on these natural drugs, it was far easier to dismiss the bad feelings – it was like observing yourself doing idiotic things while drunk. Once you step outside the behavior and observe, you can contol it quite easily. This was a huge part of the beginning of my personal awakening.
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Yeah, it’s the old pain body coming up I think. It’s good to be able to recognize when it’s happening.
Hi Michael, that is really insightful. I think you’re right that just observing the bad feelings is the first step to becoming more in control of your emotional state.